Thursday, July 21, 2005

If I could only Breath...

I'm spent... I'm tired...I'm sick.. and I just don't know how much longer I can live this way. For every one step towards hope I take, there are 5 more personal or financial disasters to put me back in my place and I find myself ashamed of even having hope.
I can't find the emotional energy to pray, and the words are just stuck somehow. I know that God is out there holding me. I just wish I could feel his arms.
Every time something happens, I think it's the last straw. I think I'm losing my mind. I tell myself that this must be rock bottom and the only way now is up. It's just not working. I struggle to fegain a positive outlook and as soon as I get back up something else happens. I'm actually making some money now, and it's pretty great money. But the car breaks domn and costs $900 and Jacob needs allergy testing at $200.... Everything is gone before we can do anything with it.
I don't have hot water in the kitchen. I can't mow my lawn because the mower was stolen. I can't cook because the gas is turned off. I can't make sales calls because the car broke down again (regardless of damn $900 we spent on it LESS THAN A MONTK AGO!). And that's just the Passat. They timing belt went out on the Rodeo, and it looks like the whole engine is blown. We jsut paid the last payment on in in November..So both cars are dead and we are sharing the Volvo that we had to borrow $2500 to buy last month.
I can't get the physical therapy that I need for my back because it's $25 a visit, I need to go twice a week, I can't get there without a car and I can't take 2 kids with me.
Feeding Jacob with all of his allergies costs as much as our grocery budget to feed the rest of us every week. I nursed him for the last time yesterday. I feel like a failure for not having the strength so 'Suck it up' and contunue breastfeeding with all of the restrictions. I just couldn't handle it. I nevcer claimed to be as amazing as other people who were able to deal with that. Why can't everyone stop comparing me to it? I don't care if it worked for some moms to cut out dairy. Did they cut out wheat, soy, yeast, baking soda, rye and tomoatoes? Everything I eat is like kryptonite to him, and I just couldn't do it.
I spent over a year and a half dedicating the majority of my free time to my church. We even moved from Marietta to live near the church so that I could do this. I was so shure that it was what God wanted. I've always believed that if you give of yourself, and trust the Lord, he will take care of you. But he didn't, and he hasn't and he STILL ISN'T. I feel like every decision that we've made has been a mistake. God has brought good from a lot of it, but I just don't feel like it's enough.
My house is like a war zone. I'm so ashamed. I don't know if I've ever even SEEN a house this messy in my life! It is absolutely unliveable. I just can't seem to win.
I have all these new people in my life who didn't know me before 2 years ago. I feel like a shell of what I used to be. I don't want people to know me like this. I've become unreliable, unpredictable, depressed, negative. I can't seem to have a conversation without it coming back to my pathetic life, and I feel like all I ever do is complain and vent. I'm sick of every conversation, every decision coming back to how rediculously broke we are. I'm sick of explaining that yes, Travis is making good money at his new job and yes, I'm doing better than I ever expected with Arbonne. But somehow, we are worse off than when we started.
It just can't get any worse. I don't think I can take another hit. What do I do? And no one can save me. It's not your job. I think I'm going to be sick. I'm so alone. I keep waiting for God to peek his head in like the Dr in the examining room and at least say, " I know you feel aweful. Just one more minute. I'll be there and we'll figure out how to make you better." Just some sort of hope. I have no idea if this will ever end. I'm still waiting.

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