Sunday, January 6, 2008

No More Boob

It's official. My baby is no longer a baby. I feel so out of my element at the idea of no one else relying on my body for sustenance through either pregnancy or breastfeeding. I mean really. I am just 3 months shy of 6 years straight! My body is mine. What to do with that.
I'd like to find peace with myself. I look in the mirror and see features that are beautiful, but I doubt them. I look at my body and want to hide in shame. I have been told over and over that being a CONFIDENT heavy woman can be just as attractive. You know, I truly believe that, too. Maybe my problem isn't really with the way I look. Where is my shame coming from, then? Not that the image isn't involved but I know that's not all of it. I need to think on that for awhile. Maybe some revelation will come.
For now I’m happy to be embarking on a new phase of motherhood, reveling in the stages of discover and inquiry. I’m constantly amazed at the words that come out of their mouths. Priceless beautiful moments. Treasures for the taking. I would not trade them for the world.
But then sometimes I wonder how much I am trading it. I wonder if I’m stealing from my family. I love my business. I absolutely enjoy creating things, and I’m simply addicted fabric hunting. But is it a GOOD thing for my family? Is it a BAD thing? Sometimes it seems to be both. Am I selfish for wanting to do something? I love creating and designing things. I don’t know what I would do without that as an outlet. At times I doubt myself. I guess I tend to over analyze every thing and this isn’t an exception. I constantly question whether my business is a blessing or a curse. I guess ultimately it is both.
Despite attempts to find a business partner, seamstresses to hire and several other things. I can’t seem to get the business rolling smoothly. That is partially my fault. I do have one contracted seamstress working with me, if I haven’t completely blown it with her. All of the upheaval of the past month has uprooted any headway I’ve made as far as getting my business organized and running smoothly. I feel totally overwhelmed at the thought of pulling it back together.

1 comment:

Miracle said...

I think it is really important for us to find that creative outlet, a way to be "more than just a mom." It helps us to stay sane and keep perspective. God is creator, and, when we create, we are glorifying Him. Of course you have to find the balance and set boundaries and all that, but don't feel bad for doing what God has created you to do.